Amy Out of Context: Breathe

I'm traveling to Disney tomorrow. It's raining outside. I have a glass of wine in my hand and a computer in front of me and I have o' so much inside my head. Reflections of the past six months? Possibly. Reflections of my life? Most likely.

I always seem to be one of those people who will always need a rewind button handy. I speak too quickly. I don't have a filter. I mean the best, but it doesn't come out right. I push people away. I am impulsive. I spend too much money. I either care too much or am numb to others. It is a constant struggle, and I feel the need to "fix" myself. But then again, maybe there is a fine line between changing who you are and altering who you will become. Do all of my past actions lead me to where I am today or is it a big coincidence? I'm really not sure.

So what brings on this constant struggle that seems to be going on in my head?

1. I recently got married.

2. I recently lost my best friend, and I'm still not entirely sure why.

3. I recently was diagnosed with bi-polar.

4. I recently started an MBA program, yet I am already a licensed therapist and I have been a makeup artist for 18+ years.

5. I turned 30.

I wish I had a path. I want a solid road to show me where I should be going. Instead I have white noise. How do you make sense of white noise? It is often a scary place. In the words of Birdy "I told you to be patient, and I told you to be fine, and I told you to be balanced, and I told you to be kind"....where are the rest of the instructions? I love my marriage, but I miss being "free" and single and making bad choices. I miss my friends terribly, but if I had them I'm not sure I wouldn't push them away again. I'm lonely, but I like being alone. Again with Birdy-"...who will love you, who will fight, and who will fall...far behind".